Believeing With Your Heart Open

5.26.12

Who am I? I find myself looking in the mirror and at a loss to who the reflection I’m seeing belongs to. Certainly not the the 16 year old I am. No. She looks too weary for that. Too beaten by the world. Perhaps some of it she deserves, but for the most part she doesn’t. But in the end, morals don’t matter. None of deserve anything. 

But more than anything, the questions that stings is ‘Who will I be?’ To this…I have no answer. When do any of us ever really know who we are? Even when we’re old, nearing the sunset of this life will we really know who we are? I think not. And certainly not at 16. Or 17. Or 18. Sometimes I think none of us are more mature than the other. But at these young ages we certainly aren’t.

Some of us have decided to take the road through high school, to college and our job from their. Some of us have decided to do things that no one really understands, but to each their own. At any rate, we don’t know who we will be. Maybe we have an idea. A brief glimpse of something we want. But no one will know for sure. How can we? Life and people change to quickly to stick to one any plan. We meet knew people, lose old friends, and have experiences that leave us all shocked. So trying to make a plan of what we want to do, of what we WILL do, is ridiculous. Nothing is set in stone and destiny is a fickle bitch. 

But hey, that’s what makes life fun.  

5.16.12

Okay, so maybe I didn’t sob the way I have the past two years at this banquet, but I still care about all of you. One more than the rest (Keep Calm Chicken Salad style), but I still love you all. I think that with this group, I’m more confident in the friendships I have established. I know we’ve had good times, and bad times and it’s all made our friendships stronger and so I know we’ll stay that way through life. 

But every chapter has an ending. And now I must turn the page to a brand new tomorrow filled with new, exciting, scary things. And I will be my own creator with my destiny in hand. 

I will be me. 

5.16.12

Well. I suppose this is it. Some of my best friends are done with high school forever. And I’m here another year. To be honest, I’m not the mess I was last year. Of course I’m sad. Of course. But the only one who really will rip my heart out I know will stay in touch and I’m not worried about that. 

So maybe I’m just getting used to it. Third time around and it’s just something that happens. I guess next year it’s my turn and I’ll lose it then. But for now, maybe it’s good that I can actually function and I’m not a puddle on the floor. 

And now…Off to fail my vector test! 

5.10.12

I had this grand plan of who I was going to be when you came back. I was going to be the strong girl I wasn’t when you knew me. The girl who could fix it all. The invincible girl.

But now that you’re 15 days from coming home I’m realizing I’m not that at all. I’m the same scared, insecure, helpless girl you met. I’m just hiding behind a mask to look stronger.

And I just hope you don’t call my bluff. 

Breathing

Sometimes the only thing you can do is focus on your breathing. Just make sure that’s okay. That you can at least do that one little thing well. And if you can do that, then you forget for a moment how dysfunctional you’ve become. How the cracks inside are barely holding together. And for a moment, you feel okay.